A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
