Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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