i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
