I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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