oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
