just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
