I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize