You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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