I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
