dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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