in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
