nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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