i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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