i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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