I wish my penis had an off switch
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
