I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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