Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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