Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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