Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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