I think my vagina is haunted
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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