if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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