Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
