if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
false alarm, still single
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
