Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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