The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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