its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Someone came in the potted fern
Can you bring me the toilet please
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
