Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
