I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
