Will you blow on my dice?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
please come you make the beer taste better
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
