The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
