1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
