I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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