Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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