On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
