Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
