i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize