i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize