I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
