the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
