so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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