I think my vagina is haunted
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
