The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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