Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
