I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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