oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
There's even glitter on my cock...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
