You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
