I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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