He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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