Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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