Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
