Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
