you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So squirting runs in the family.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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