I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
