I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
