shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
